Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
