I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
