Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
