I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
