Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
