You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
