I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i already hear my dad disowning me
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
