i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize