we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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