She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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