I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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