Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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