I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
