he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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