So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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