if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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