Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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