hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
