This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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