oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
