I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
