My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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