wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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