i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
