I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
