You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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