i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize