he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
