i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
