I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
