YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
