Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
All the doctor said was why
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
