everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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