I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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