Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
