When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
