My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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