I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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