dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
