oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
