Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
