you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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