How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
