i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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