Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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