he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
