I will die if light touches me.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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