All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
