Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
