The maid of honor just puked.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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