I think I died a long time ago.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize