After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
