So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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