Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
