i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
