Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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