i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
