if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
