dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
