Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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