why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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