That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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