were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
