ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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