And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
