well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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