I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
